The world needs more people like me!

... it's not the end of the world if you're spotted cheating on your spouse, just lie and say it was for your upcoming blockbuster. They'll understand, you're rich.

For whatever reason, I decided to do a headstand today. Since it's been quite some time since I've done one, I figured I would start with some of the lessons I learned as a kid in "tumble school." No lie, I attended tumble school where I learned to do headstands and things like that, but never any cool flips or anything. My parents, who I always figured to be various mixtures of European ranging from Irish to Czech apparently felt it was necessary to give me a Russian upbringing and train me to be a circus performer. With illusions of one day becoming a great ninja, minus the hardwork and commitment required in any sort of martial art, I thought this was a cool idea and went along with it, I think. I was really young, so I don't remember saying yes, but I wish I could do backflips and stuff now, so I'm pretty sure I was keen on the whole idea. Anyway, getting back to things, I did this really cool headstand today and it felt weird.

Using some new technology discovered in a man made crate burried in my backyard, I have a device which allows me to see what is going on at this exact moment on the other side of the globe. The technology is wonderful, but I still have yet to see anything. It only works exactly where I stand and only lets me see a 12 inch circle of whatever. It looks like a sewer grate, or maybe a fishing net, or whatever. It's pretty cool, but I'd like to see some kung fu action or maybe some gang wars or something like that. It weighs too much to move though.

My face is radiating light tonight. I think it's from my side trip to Indian Point's main reactor. I was a little chilly and needed a quick warmup.

Make sure you killed them; hit them a second time!

... 'Dancing With the Stars' was passed up on because Mario Lopez and I have too much tension.

I am tired, and not feeling all that hot, so I am going to bed like right now, but I wanted to take a moment to let everyone know that I AM in fact still alive. Last week, I took a break because my head had to heal. It turns out that KGB operatives have been living next door to me and saw me looking at my own reflection in the window admiring myself. Apparently they mistook this for watching them unload uranium into their basement in preperation of the final act in the Cold War (yes, it is still in full blown action, but they keep it low key for some reason). Well, by now you're asking yourself, "why is his head healing?" The answer to that is simple, duh! The unknown men broke down my front door and attempted to give me a labotomy. It wasn't until they cracked into the skull and took notice of my abnormally large brain when they realized they didn't have the right tools for the job. They said they were going to come back the next day, but I was ready for them. I had the FBI and CIA called in (I use telepathy because it saves on my cell phone bill). They hid all over my house and the next day, when the KGB guys came back and kicked in my back door, they were all arrested.

So, the reason I have not posted in a while is because my head was cut open and a little achey. But, the good news; I am alive and expected to heal up to 100% (no scarring expected), I saved the world from an atomic winter, I earned a congressional medal of honor, they also threw in a purple heart because I asked for one, and I got a fruit basket from the President. Bush, I voted for you twice, you're one hell of a guy! I love you!

On that note, goodnight and I'll be seeing you world!

-Hollywood-

What was once 99 has now turned into 0 bottles on the wall!

... Ferrari's make sure people know you are rich and successful.

After Hurricane Escongitoritorious, or whatever it was, came through on saturday, this weekend turned out to be really nice. In fact, the weekend was SO nice, I convinced the parents to allow me to purchase a motorcycle (which was understood as the one thing I could NOT do while living under their roof, as it would result in me finding a new place to live). Not sure whether I called their bluff or if I convinced them otherwise, but I still rule. As a result of my current happiness, I am going to write the next paragraph like 95% of the current children in high school who have a computer... please forgive me if it's off a bit, as I had no formal training...

O! i frgot 2 tll u all, butt i spnt lyke 500 buks on motorcycle geer. omg, da stff is awsum. itz lyke all blk n silvr n ncludes boots, gloves, hlmit, n jackit. i m reely glad 4 it tho. now i can b safe. i still need mor of dis stuff butt 4 now i jus wanna ryde. now if only i can find a honda 599, den i m gd 2 go.

Wow, I really don't know how they can do that. I found some poor souls blog on here that was written entirely like that. I think you get to the point where you're hardpressed to believe this kid does NOT have a mental problem. What are teachers teaching these days? Please, teachers, especially the ones that I know, act now! Pick up the slack for the horrible teachers out there who promote this freedom of expression stuff, the teachers who appear on Jay Leno's "Jay-walking" segments, and the idiot girls on the wheel of fortune who play during college week and are going to school for teaching. These people, while a few may have just had a bad day, and destroying the world! I can see it now, future headlines..., "prez wages war on cuntry 4 bein stoopid." God, help us now!

Carjack old women!

... no amount of CGI can ever compare to good old fashioned make-up.

I took notice of gas prices tonight... $2.89. This is a wonderful change from the $3.32 I was paying not too long ago. Thank god those eskimos didn't drive up our gas prices like they planned to.

In other news today, three eskimos were arrested for SWI (sledding while intoxicated). Authorities were tipped off by a polar bear with a soar behind. Local sheriffs knew they had the right group when they noticed 3 of the sled dogs were actually baby seals. The three eskimos were taken into custody while the 3 baby seals were clubbed. Police chief Oscar Grundle says, "I predict a short trial and at least $50 for the hat I plan on making from the fur."

Local animal rights groups said they were not pleased about the clubbing incident, but want people to know that after a seal has been used for sledding, it cannot be reintroduced to wildlife. It seems that the mentality of running as a pack stays with them and quickly spreads throughout the rest of the group. Often times these seals lead the rest of the group 2 by 2 straight into the mouths of Shamu's relatives, the Krill Boys.

I *heart* Meat!

... wearing sunglasses is a MUST if you want to be taken seriously.

I am a pretty big fan of burgers, steaks, filets, etc. Meat rules my world. I am all about people enjoying their vegetables and tofu and such. I mean, c'mon now, who DOESN'T enjoy a good old fashioned Tofurkey? Mmm! But, there's just something pleasing about sinking your chompers into processed dead cute animals that leaves your stomach topped off and your ego swelling; knowing you're truly the alpha animal in that equation. Yay for meat!

Tin foil hats have been the topic of the day. To be honest, nobody I know has even discussed the matter, BUT, I've been thinking about them all day. I think tin foil hats are about all we can use to protect ourselves against plaque and gingevitis (please check the spelling on both of those). Toothbrushes no longer work. It would be like going into battle with a broad sword and shield while the other team has AK-47s. Just not going to cut it. Tin foil hats on the other hand offer the best solution. Instead of inserting it as a filling, if you use it as protective head gear, you set up a barrier that those things must pass through, and even if something does make it through, it takes notice of your tin foil hat and knows that you mean business.