Hollywood Says...

Old Spice deodorant is the best!

2007-02-01T02:08:00.000-05:00

...drama is for trained actors only, this excludes high school BS!

Kickball has to be the greatest sport in the world. Playing in a WAKA league (www.kickball.com), I have discovered that this game is a different % combination for every person comprising of two different categories to meet the 100% total. As for me, it's about 35% competition and 65% drinking/socialization.

It's a difficult game to describe to people because judging on every person I talk to, it requires a completely different explaination. Some people you can describe it as a beer league/social group, other people need something like a one night a week escape from the real world, some people need the explaination of adult competition in a game that we all played as children.

Sure, it sounds easy enough, kick the ball, run the bases, try not to get pegged out or tagged or whatever. Of course, now you're playing with a much larger ball (10 inches) at 1.6psi, and the people going after the ball can generally throw it a lot harder and faster than a typical 7-10 year old child.

In summary, I would like everyone to go to www.kickball.com and find a local WAKA (World Adult Kickball Association) league in your area. Chances are, if you're in a coastal state, you should have no trouble finding one within driving distance. Just go, check it out, and I guarantee, once you start talking to people you'll see how friendly everyone is and how much fun bringing a piece of your childhood back into your life is. We've all had the days where we say, "damn, I want to play kickball, if only I had enough friends who were willing to play RIGHT NOW!" Well, that time is here, so get out there and play.

If you are in the Poughkeepsie/Hyde Park NY area, check us out. We rock out on the field and rock out at the bar for the rest of the night. 45 minutes of kickball, 5 hours of drinking/partying.

Of course, there is a snag....
-You must be 21 or older (and no, not everyone is 21, there are ages ranging all the way to 40's or 50's in our league)
-You must be willing to have a great time and be open to meeting some characters of people
-You must register to play, of course, with registration comes a t-shirt AND a player card

What does registration get you, and why should YOU register with WAKA? That's an easy one!
-Mid-season and Post-season parties (GREAAAAT drink deals and an awesome time)
-T-shirts with bar logo (if you register early enough, otherwise you get a team shirt with "Play Kickball" on the back)
-A league sponsoring bar which gives great drink specials to WAKA players only
-Division reps who will protect you and make sure you have a great time personally and takes care of all the dirty work like making schedules and brackets for the season, which means you get to come out and play with nothing else on your mind than the big red ball and the first drink you're going to get to cool off afterwards

Yeah, I know, this sounds like a huge ad... and well, it is, in a way. I have enjoyed kickball so much that I want more people to start playing. I need more competition. I need more drinking partners. I need more friends.

So, get your butts to the field or bar and meet some of the players. Of course, don't forget your friends too. Form a group and play on the same team! It's coed, in fact, each team HAS to be coed! What more could you ask for?

Bored enough to type an entry into my BLAAAHHHHHHHGGGG-GUH

2007-01-12T18:03:00.000-05:00

... when I'm rich, I'm going to buy homeless people bouncy balls.

I am tired, I am bored, my left leg is stiff and KILLING me for whatever reason, my dog is barking, my clothes are uncomfortable, and my soduko day-by-day calendar is completed for the day. I rule.

That sums it up folks. Ciao!

...what? you need more? Fine, here's my latest poem I am writing RIGHT now for you.

Christmas is over
The new year is over
Valentines day is coming soon
My birthday comes after that
Then will come easter
After easter comes some other crap
I think it's probably national terryaki chicken day
Then nothing else that matters until the end of the year
Holidays make you remember how much time passes
Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

Cinnamon is not a mint!

2006-12-09T01:20:00.000-05:00

... be the life of the party and search out the common man's bash. That way, you know you're the most famous person there, because common people aren't famous.

I decided today, of all days, is going to be the day I create a detailed plan as to how I am going to get rich. Well, it didn't work out, as I resolved nothing, and probably lost money in the process. I didn't really lose money, unless you consider that instead of enjoying free time after work, I picked up a second job. Well, I might just do that, we'll have to see.

Under good advisement from a friend of mine, I decided that I am going to start looking for casting calls for movies or television shows. I figure, I have no experience, no acting history, no education in the arts, and no musical talent, so what do I have to lose? I mean, other than dignity and stuff like that, there's nothing but good that can come of it. So, I am going to try it. I am naturally the greatest person in the world (amazingly, I have yet to be listed as one of the modern marvels of the world, but I think they're just trying to not make others feel bad). A panel of producers, directors, and casting people would be absolutly inSANE to not include me in their latest and greatest endeavors. So, let me know if you hear of anything, because this bun is baked and ready to be sold to someone who is in need of a bun for some reason, which may include eating a hotdog, making it hot and crossed, or just really liking the smell of fresh baked buns. I don't know where I was going with it, but I'm sure it makes some sense if you put it all together and repeat it 7 or 8 times.

On my way home from work today, I ran over some roadkill that was unavoidable because someone blew it up with a stick of dynomite. It was scattered everywhere. I hope it wasn't a baby, because that would be sad. It would also be a little disturbing if I ran over a baby thinking it was just a dead animal.

I wrote a poem recently about my dog Zach eating people's faces. He doesn't really eat faces, and he hardly ever viciously attacks people, but he is the coolest dog in the world. If any ladies out there are looking for a man, one who's neutered and still looks tough, let me know and I'll give you his two-way. I'm still stuck in Verizon, and my dog has Nextel? That sucks.

Here's a new poem, only for those who read my blog (which will not be called a "hemplo", because "blog" sounds stupid. I don't know if hemplo is a real word, in any language, but it sounds better. Anyway, on to the poem which I am about to write in under 2 minutes...

New York is sometimes great.
However, winter is something I do hate.
It's miserable and freezing cold.
New York winters are getting old.

I put on a thousand layers to stay warm.
The extra thousand pounds creates bad form.
My back starts to hurt lots.
I think it also causes blood clots.

I can no longer feel my left side.
I think my two big toes have both died.
My ear fell off and my nose is missing.
It's not even satisfying to be pissing.

This continues until I'm about dead.
Spring comes along and I regain my head.
I replace every single missing part.
I even get steady blood pressure in my heart.

My toes are now revived.
I can't believe that I survived.
I don't know if it was worth the wait.
But, New York is sometimes great.

Thank you, the end!

It's almost December!?

2006-11-25T18:03:00.000-05:00

... Steve McQueen was the man, second only to John Candy.

The location is New York. The date is November 25, 2006. The time is 6:13pm. It is a saturday. We are less than a week from December and the weather is ridiculous... it was in the 50's today... warm enough to ride my bike, and tomorrow is supposed to be about 60. I don't know what's going on, but it's pretty awesome.

On my bike ride today, I passed a police officer who didn't like the look of my bike apparently. It must scream, "this guy speeds, follow him for the next 15 minutes and hope he does something illegal." I didn't, and he finally stopped tailing me. Jerkface.

Anyway, I stopped along the side of the road to have a cigarette and relax my clutch hand from some heavy use. A crazy old shaman showed up out of thin air. He said, "I will grant you three wishes, all you have to do is give me a tuna sandwich." I told him to go away, because obviously a tuna sandwich would have been work keeping for myself... if I even had one. I asked him, "You are a shaman, right?"
"Well, yeah, of course I am. What else could I possibly be?"
"Oh, I don't know, a fucking genie? I mean you are claiming that you will grant me three wishes."
"Dude, I'm a shaman, not a magician, I can't grant wishes myself."
"What do you mean? How else would you have my wishes granted."
"Obviously I have a genie. I would make him do it. Just give me a tuna sandwich."
That being said, it all seemed to make sense now. So, I took him up on his offer. My first wish was for a tuna sandwich to give to the shaman. Running short on ideas for wishes 2 and 3, I just came up with some quick and shitty wishes. My second wish was for a pocket full of quarters, because I like the sound a pocket full of quarters makes. My third wish was for a hot chick to flash me as I rode by her on the road.

So, on my way home, I noticed a bag in the middle of the road with a '$' symbol on it. I stopped and picked it up. $90 worth of quarters! Sweet! Put that in my pocket. Later on, I see the most gorgeous chick in my entire life just hanging out by the road. As I got closer, she started to point at me and giggle. All of the sudden she pulled off her clothes and was completely naked. Now, I don't really believe in genies or anything, but after my experience today, I am having serious second thoughts.

Crazy!

-Hollywood.

My eyes are bleeding!

2006-11-16T17:49:00.000-05:00

... always remember who your true friends are by purchasing expensive gifts for all of them.

Yeah, so, I know, it's been quite a while since I last posted on this thing. Well, you're going to have to forgive me. I've been really busy between working both jobs and just trying to get a lot of other things done. Either way, I'll make it up to you by being completely entertaining here.

It has been brought to my attention that there is a gentleman by the name of Jim Silgnick who has been following me. Don't ask me why? I don't even know who the guy is. I just know that he has been walking approximately 30 feet behind me day after day everywhere I go. It's kind of creepy. I like to mess with him though. Sometimes I stop walking just to see him stop. Sometimes I run straight at him and he runs also. Well, I was doing this running thing today and he dropped his wallet. So, I decided to have a look see. He was giving me an awkward look from 30 feet away, but I didn't care. I took his license and his $65. Sucker. Anyway, it told me his name and where he lives... except that he is constantly 30 feet behind me rather than at his home. So, I am going to try to go to his house tomorrow and figure out more about him. Damn, people are creepy.

On a further note, I have a motorcycle now. It's the greatest thing ever.

On a further note from that previous note, I am going to make the first attempt at a trip around the world twice! I will circle the globe twice with my jet fuel/solar powered/wind sail/ flying device. I have no issues about making the distance, I know that will be fine. My main issue is whether or not my AA batteries will last long enough to power the Tiger handheld games I need to bring with me to keep me entertained. I hope so.

I've fallen into this pitfall full of plastic spiders and glow in the dark skeletons

2006-10-03T02:26:00.000-04:00

... it's easy to look like a bigshot when you throw down a $100 tip for a $10 meal, the difficult part is making it look GOOD!

I can't believe it, it's October already. Believe it or not, as much as I complain about the area I live in, I just absolutly love the brisk mornings, trees changing color, and the entire holiday of Halloween. There's just something so special and sacred about beating up children who are 1/3 your age and taking a pillow case full of delicious goodies from them. I once though, "you know, I'm saving these kids from cavities and diabetes," but, now I just think, "who was I kidding, I just really like taking their candy."

I got an email today from the Queen of England, oddly enough. She wants me to stop by her pad sometime for a mean game of Tetris. Apparently she has the arcade version with the side-by-side 2-player action. Now, I don't know who this woman thinks she is, but I don't cut a break from ANYONE! And I mean ANYONE! Chuck Norris? No break! Conan O'Brien? No break! John Candy? Well, he has passed, so I'll cut him some slack, but only because John Candy was the man.

Reports are in that gumballs are unsafe for children. The majority of filled center gumballs contain a mixture of 1/2 rat and 1/2 delicious. Unfortunately, it's the delicious that overpowers the poison and that's what keeps the little kids coming back for more.

Reports are also saying (oddly enough, this is the same report), that the Titanic really sunk because someone opened a window that was mistakenly placed on the bottom of the ship. Original ship designs were looking for a glass bottom boat, and the crew working on the ship's construction attached some latches without thinking it through.

Welcome to Fall

The world needs more people like me!

2006-09-25T01:11:00.000-04:00

... it's not the end of the world if you're spotted cheating on your spouse, just lie and say it was for your upcoming blockbuster. They'll understand, you're rich.

For whatever reason, I decided to do a headstand today. Since it's been quite some time since I've done one, I figured I would start with some of the lessons I learned as a kid in "tumble school." No lie, I attended tumble school where I learned to do headstands and things like that, but never any cool flips or anything. My parents, who I always figured to be various mixtures of European ranging from Irish to Czech apparently felt it was necessary to give me a Russian upbringing and train me to be a circus performer. With illusions of one day becoming a great ninja, minus the hardwork and commitment required in any sort of martial art, I thought this was a cool idea and went along with it, I think. I was really young, so I don't remember saying yes, but I wish I could do backflips and stuff now, so I'm pretty sure I was keen on the whole idea. Anyway, getting back to things, I did this really cool headstand today and it felt weird.

Using some new technology discovered in a man made crate burried in my backyard, I have a device which allows me to see what is going on at this exact moment on the other side of the globe. The technology is wonderful, but I still have yet to see anything. It only works exactly where I stand and only lets me see a 12 inch circle of whatever. It looks like a sewer grate, or maybe a fishing net, or whatever. It's pretty cool, but I'd like to see some kung fu action or maybe some gang wars or something like that. It weighs too much to move though.

My face is radiating light tonight. I think it's from my side trip to Indian Point's main reactor. I was a little chilly and needed a quick warmup.

Make sure you killed them; hit them a second time!

2006-09-13T00:16:00.000-04:00

... 'Dancing With the Stars' was passed up on because Mario Lopez and I have too much tension.

I am tired, and not feeling all that hot, so I am going to bed like right now, but I wanted to take a moment to let everyone know that I AM in fact still alive. Last week, I took a break because my head had to heal. It turns out that KGB operatives have been living next door to me and saw me looking at my own reflection in the window admiring myself. Apparently they mistook this for watching them unload uranium into their basement in preperation of the final act in the Cold War (yes, it is still in full blown action, but they keep it low key for some reason). Well, by now you're asking yourself, "why is his head healing?" The answer to that is simple, duh! The unknown men broke down my front door and attempted to give me a labotomy. It wasn't until they cracked into the skull and took notice of my abnormally large brain when they realized they didn't have the right tools for the job. They said they were going to come back the next day, but I was ready for them. I had the FBI and CIA called in (I use telepathy because it saves on my cell phone bill). They hid all over my house and the next day, when the KGB guys came back and kicked in my back door, they were all arrested.

So, the reason I have not posted in a while is because my head was cut open and a little achey. But, the good news; I am alive and expected to heal up to 100% (no scarring expected), I saved the world from an atomic winter, I earned a congressional medal of honor, they also threw in a purple heart because I asked for one, and I got a fruit basket from the President. Bush, I voted for you twice, you're one hell of a guy! I love you!

On that note, goodnight and I'll be seeing you world!

-Hollywood-

What was once 99 has now turned into 0 bottles on the wall!

2006-09-04T14:03:00.000-04:00

... Ferrari's make sure people know you are rich and successful.

After Hurricane Escongitoritorious, or whatever it was, came through on saturday, this weekend turned out to be really nice. In fact, the weekend was SO nice, I convinced the parents to allow me to purchase a motorcycle (which was understood as the one thing I could NOT do while living under their roof, as it would result in me finding a new place to live). Not sure whether I called their bluff or if I convinced them otherwise, but I still rule. As a result of my current happiness, I am going to write the next paragraph like 95% of the current children in high school who have a computer... please forgive me if it's off a bit, as I had no formal training...

O! i frgot 2 tll u all, butt i spnt lyke 500 buks on motorcycle geer. omg, da stff is awsum. itz lyke all blk n silvr n ncludes boots, gloves, hlmit, n jackit. i m reely glad 4 it tho. now i can b safe. i still need mor of dis stuff butt 4 now i jus wanna ryde. now if only i can find a honda 599, den i m gd 2 go.

Wow, I really don't know how they can do that. I found some poor souls blog on here that was written entirely like that. I think you get to the point where you're hardpressed to believe this kid does NOT have a mental problem. What are teachers teaching these days? Please, teachers, especially the ones that I know, act now! Pick up the slack for the horrible teachers out there who promote this freedom of expression stuff, the teachers who appear on Jay Leno's "Jay-walking" segments, and the idiot girls on the wheel of fortune who play during college week and are going to school for teaching. These people, while a few may have just had a bad day, and destroying the world! I can see it now, future headlines..., "prez wages war on cuntry 4 bein stoopid." God, help us now!

Carjack old women!

2006-09-02T01:03:00.000-04:00

... no amount of CGI can ever compare to good old fashioned make-up.

I took notice of gas prices tonight... $2.89. This is a wonderful change from the $3.32 I was paying not too long ago. Thank god those eskimos didn't drive up our gas prices like they planned to.

In other news today, three eskimos were arrested for SWI (sledding while intoxicated). Authorities were tipped off by a polar bear with a soar behind. Local sheriffs knew they had the right group when they noticed 3 of the sled dogs were actually baby seals. The three eskimos were taken into custody while the 3 baby seals were clubbed. Police chief Oscar Grundle says, "I predict a short trial and at least $50 for the hat I plan on making from the fur."

Local animal rights groups said they were not pleased about the clubbing incident, but want people to know that after a seal has been used for sledding, it cannot be reintroduced to wildlife. It seems that the mentality of running as a pack stays with them and quickly spreads throughout the rest of the group. Often times these seals lead the rest of the group 2 by 2 straight into the mouths of Shamu's relatives, the Krill Boys.

I heart Meat!

2006-09-01T00:02:00.000-04:00

... wearing sunglasses is a MUST if you want to be taken seriously.

I am a pretty big fan of burgers, steaks, filets, etc. Meat rules my world. I am all about people enjoying their vegetables and tofu and such. I mean, c'mon now, who DOESN'T enjoy a good old fashioned Tofurkey? Mmm! But, there's just something pleasing about sinking your chompers into processed dead cute animals that leaves your stomach topped off and your ego swelling; knowing you're truly the alpha animal in that equation. Yay for meat!

Tin foil hats have been the topic of the day. To be honest, nobody I know has even discussed the matter, BUT, I've been thinking about them all day. I think tin foil hats are about all we can use to protect ourselves against plaque and gingevitis (please check the spelling on both of those). Toothbrushes no longer work. It would be like going into battle with a broad sword and shield while the other team has AK-47s. Just not going to cut it. Tin foil hats on the other hand offer the best solution. Instead of inserting it as a filling, if you use it as protective head gear, you set up a barrier that those things must pass through, and even if something does make it through, it takes notice of your tin foil hat and knows that you mean business.

The SPCA won't like this one!

2006-08-30T23:36:00.000-04:00

... you are never too big for commercials.

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs...

2006-08-29T23:31:00.000-04:00

... get out of my chair! Didn't you see my name on the back?

The rain continues in NY, but I still went out for a cigarette a few minutes ago. It's funny, I hardly ever smoke at my house, and only have 3 or 4 at work (two breaks and then 1 or 2 on my lunchbreak), and RARELY smoke in my car... but throw me at the diner with a cup of coffee outside on the patio and *BAM*, half a pack like that. And when I say "that" I also snapped my fingers.

So, while I was staring at the cigarette smoke in the calm rainy air, I started to see things. Most people who see things talk about seeing the lady Madonna or a flash from their previous life or something like that. Me? I just saw some cool looking random swirls. You seem disappointed. Don't be! Random swirls are cool to look at. Most people find them entertaining to stare at. Some people even find them inspiring.

The funny thing about swirls is this. There seems to be no pattern, no method to the mayhem, and no life (lacks a heart and all that crap). However, and I'll be the first one to tell you this, swirls are actually affiliated with the government. You'll notice that American swirls will lead to thoughts about self-improvement, artistic creation, and ingenuity. However, go to France and you'll discover that swirls there cause feelings of hatred, sadness, and boredom. Don't even get me started on the Chinese swirls.

The color wheel is spinning!

2006-08-28T23:38:00.000-04:00

...fiery explosions will make any drama worthwhile!

In todays events, it turns out that the color purple is actually the color green. Unfortunately, the world will never accept that as the way things are. Instead, people will put a blindfold over their eyes. These are the same people who once thought that the Earth revolves around the Sun and that Pluto is actually a planet. Thankfully, scientists finally came to their senses and backed my theory that Pluto was not in fact a planet, but a dwarf planet. And to think... all of those textbooks that now have errors. If only they listened to me. Think of all those dead trees. You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

When I finally hit the big screens, my first move will be to promote CFC's in hairspray and big block engines in all cars. That's right folks, I am here to tell you how things truly are. By the time I get through with you, you'll understand that the true danger to the Ozone layer is the making of crappy pizza.

Welcome to all of my future loyal readers!

2006-08-27T21:24:00.000-04:00

...never try to step in front of a moving vehicle without having your stunt double at hand.

So, here marks the beginning of a brand new journey. Now, I have a blog on livejournal, and I even have one on myspace, but blogger is all brand new to me. I'm not into the whole "talk about everything you touch, taste, hear, or smell" journals, so you really won't find that here unless it's something uber exciting.

It's currently 61 and raining in NY. It's currently 88 and clear in Hollywood. Guess where I'd rather be?

I'll leave this post short... and on these words... the world according to Hollywood is much more interesting than the world according to some other person's blog, so read mine instead.